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MR. NEGATIVE, THAT'S ME!
04:10 Aug 31 2011
Times Read: 697






Hi, folks. Miss me?

I know, I know... I come by every few weeks, eat all your snacks, read all your magazines and slink away before anyone has the chance to re-fill my drink.



"Don't overstay your welcome. Leave 'em wanting more" -- my father used to say. "Get out while they're still applauding."



He wasn't in show biz, by the way -- he was in sales. Figures, eh?

The more I think about it, the more similar they become.



I wonder how many shoes he wore out, how many times he told & re-told the same jokes, how many hands he had to shake before he discovered that tidbit of wisdom. Maybe he knew it all along.



At any rate, my father knows how to work a crowd. I see him at weddings and cocktail parties, how he glides among the sea of faces; shaking hands, smiling, bellowing his hearty laughter. His charm is infectious, effortless. This is how people know my father.



And it isn't fake. It's not like he becomes a different person. It's just a part of him that I seldom see, especially now that he has retired. It's like a switch is flipped and my father goes into Consummate Salesman mode.



And whatever IT is, dear reader, it wasn't passed down genetically. I'm the exact opposite. I loathe cocktail parties and crowds. I hate making speeches. I stumble over small-talk. Forget names. Oh, sure, I can try to act like an extrovert, but it isn't natural. I overthink everything. Over-analyze. I shake people's hands and I wonder if they can hear me think shake-shake-now-let-go-on-three! It makes me feel plasticky and fraudulent, and after 30 minutes I retreat to the comfort of a barstool -- hopefully near an exit.



I have been known to sneak out when no one is looking. In certain circles, I'm famous for it.



Like I said, I over-think everything. Everything.

I was dis-invited from a meeting at work recently. Something about me asking too many questions. But it's not like I'm asking questions to be a jerk. I just want details. Wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't. Perhaps I lack my father's grace & tact.



For example, a few weeks ago the client said to me "we want to do a promotion this fall."

And I said "Super. When exactly?"

The Client: "Uh, we're not sure."

Mr. Thothy: "What's the promotion?"

The Client: "We want people to feel good about us."

Mr. Thothy: "You're an insurance company. Wouldn't you rather sell more policies?"

The Client: "Well, we're having a pretty good year. We just want to get our name out there."

Mr. Thothy: "Do you want to consider television, radio, newspaper, or that internet thing?"

The Client: "Uh yes."

Mr. Thothy: "um. okay. Do you have a budget?

The Client: "No, I was hoping you'd tell me how much I should spend."



See, this goes on for another 10 minutes as I realize that the client is certifiably insane. They want to advertise, but they don't know WHAT to advertise, or WHEN, or what the whole effin' POINT of it is supposed to be! They want people to feel good.



Super, let's hand out tequila and puppies for fuck's sake.



I mean. Holy crap. I should be so lucky to have a client that just wants to throw money around without wanting to -- oh, I don't know -- increase sales or raise website traffic or generate leads or make money. I should be so lucky, right? No, it's actually a curse.



Because when these promotions are done, the client is going to ask me how "effective" they were. Results always matter.

And I'm going to say "Well, you spent $200,000 in two months and gave away 4 iPads... so let me crunch some numbers... here yo go: you made exactly 4 people very happy. Which was your goal, apparently."



SCORE!



So, anyway, the client said I asked "a lot" of questions and he didn't have answers. So there was a follow-up meeting with our smartest, bestest, most creative minds and the client. And I wasn't invited this time.



If anyone needs me, I'll be on the bar stool closest to the exit.